Everyone has a Past !!!

Life is like a notebook, each day is a new page to scribble something. This notebook is not ruled and once written cannot be erased that is the irony this note book carries. You have to draw your own line and then write your day.
It looks neat when the words are aligned beautifully between the lines.
At times the words are not aligned between the lines, and sometimes there are no lines. It does not look neat but it still represents the journey.

Just the other day I turned some pages to re-live the moments, I saw some majestic achievements written in BOLD making me proud. It made my heart expand to the pride.

Then came the page which was colored and had small heart signs all around. With a mix of red and white it looked a perfect match. I went on reading the pages attentively as if I was a five year old enjoying the chocolate to each bite. While having this delight I read past a few pages that looked pale followed by few pink pages, the pale and pink patters were repetitive, with a sudden strike I realized those were the days when the cupid was hurt due to misunderstanding or due to petty cries.

I reached the set pf pages where nothing made sense the colors were gone, the rules were half drawn, the words were split, striked through. It looked so confusing, but I realized no one has a perfect life.

Then came the page that made me stare long, freezing the time. It had a bold title “DAGGERED.” It was all covered in black, had some stains, and looked crimson. There was a bleeding heart, a shining dagger piercing it through. Blood drained out of it and fell in the shape of tears. This page had incomplete sentences, though few they looked so helpless. Each words and drawing on the page was encarved.

When I returned to my senses I turned the page and saw following few pages pale and blank. They had the word “DAGGERED” embossed on to them. Without words and rules the embossed presence made a statement. Looked like there was long pause.

Next few pages followed with words as if they were trying to make some sense, and some meaning nothing. No rules were drawn here.

On few pages the rules were half drawn, words were scribbled, and they made sense but looked lifeless. These image “DAGGERED” was embossed here too, but was not evident. It looked to fade with the following pages which were written neatly, beautifully aligned between the rules.

The words started to make sense and the haze in my mind cleared, when I reached the page that had today’s date and read, “Everyone has a past, every one has a future, it is in your hand to let your past remain and haunt you, crafting your present with will and power making your future peaceful fading your past away.”
“Remember, yesterday is history,
Tomorrow is mystery,
Today is a gift,
That is why it is called, PRESENT”

When I read the line which I wrote before re-living the days, I realize each day written in ink, when the days are long than the night and nothing seems right, we force the pen hard enough to question our believes which on normal day is ignored.

The harshness of these days is analogous to the magical taste of food that the mother prepares each day, the loss is realized only when the taste is replaced by the artificial, and condensed food. It is like the smell of the cookies grandma prepared, which is impersonated in our hearts and no brand can replaced.

I realized, history can fade only if we want it to, but it is not the case always, we are so overwhelmed by our past that we forget to live in the present and make a shaky future. Some live in past, some ruin the present struggling for a peaceful future, but for few who take time to live each moment of the present, will surely have a future where you can read each page of your life, filled with color, soothing your soul.

“What is life if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare.”

Everyday we are given stones!!!

There comes a time in life when we feel shackled, tied up, confronted, overwhelmed, obliged or in a state of indecision. At that instance we want time to pause and give us more time to take the best decision, we want to look for help or try to get the best possible escape…The million dollar question remains tall which decision is right? Which path is correct, which road leads to success, which road makes life easier.

The fight between the decision to follow the heart or mind makes the life seem miserable… The path we choose either leads to fame, or it leads to a dead end…The difference in these to paths is about the way we pursue the post effect…we all know the path that leads to fame has lot to offer, and the path to dead end is all due to the acts that made indecision and led to the dead end.

The best analogy to put out for this scenario is like cutting the right wire to defuse the explosive that can devastate and destroy…the decision to choose the right wire is not always by the book…it takes metal to compose and chose the best.

I live by what my father told me once, that formed the very core of my life, he said, “Son, whatever path you chose, whatever decision you make they can be right or wrong, can lead to fame or dead end…all you must remember is, stand by your decision, face the consequences’ how so ever tough or devastating they may be…they are meant for you and only you as you are the loan bearer of your act. It’s not the walk that matters, it’s when you hit the dead-end that matters, that defines the metal of a real human being…People hit the dead end, they feel devastated and think about the second when they made the wrong decision, they curse or find a medium to surrender to the moment, but son when you hit a dead end, pause, don’t sit, think about how to handle the situation best, gather your courage, plan and act, for every failure is the first step to success, remember your first steps as an infant, you were able to take two step when you fell, you did not cry, you laughed and there on you knew you can do it…”

“Learn to walk, make your own road, start from where people think there are no possibilities, the taste of sweetness can be best known when you have known what bitterness is. For no human being can live only tasting sweet success. Remember, what goes up will come down, but this is an incomplete statement, as whatever comes down, will definitely go up one day.”

Similarly, I have been growing over each decision of mine, making my own roads, for I know when I am asked who I want to be if reborn, I can hold my head over my shoulders and claim to be me, each time I am born…

For all of us the million dollar question remains…but as the wise says, “Every day we are give stones, it is up to us to make just a wall or a home out of it.”

I have my answers; hope my words help you chose the metal others can look up to…

My eyes still have it...

The sound that echoed in my heart was spoken by eyes, there was no whisper, there was no voice, and the words still resonate in my heart. These words keep me warm and crave the emotions of fear, love and hate. I have heard the language of heart more than once…Yes! I am lucky…

Heart speaks its language from the eyes, hears from the lips, and feels the presence from the ears…they may deify the laws of nature, yet they hold the key to the world that dominates the major part of my life, bringing smile and tears, together without no reason. The presence of this language remains forever, denial is a mere closure, it is temporary until someone dawns the life with a different color and a new beginning. Wishes come true, sky looks blue, breeze feels comforting, colors look different, life seems meaningful…but all this remains till the language is spoken.

Someone took away my language and I took someone’s language…how ironic, I know the one who read this will know what this confession holds…

My deeds have defined their own scale they know the bound they know the aim, yet my heart knows what I am losing, I have to smile and accept for I am the one who chose it…at times pain feels like the only medicine…I have taken this medicine, I am going to make it turn for good.

I remember the shine in the eyes that glowed with my presence, the smile that spread when my heart spoke without words…the breath that shook the ground when I was held close…the touch that generated the spark…Oh! I remember each thing, for I am never letting these pearls fall of the necklace that I have carefully weaved over time, the thread I chose is the continuous streak of pain, that reminds me of what I have…what I will have…It gives me a perfect balance in my life…the emotions tied together.

I have tried to fight against these emotions and have learned they weigh the same, I cannot keep either of them, and neither can I lose them, now I am at peace, as I have come to terms with them. They make me weak and strong they give me my wings, they educate my words, they make my eyes listen. For I know my heart now has grown over my age to spread more than I ever dreamt off…

I was once told my eyes are expressive, they made the heart melt, they spot the right node, they wink to bring the priceless smile, yet those words are gone, but what I call magic, my eyes still have it…as they could spot my loner angel, they could see through the hard shell, they could see the emotions locked, the windows shut…A small knock was what woke her up, now she has a smile when she reads this, for she is always envious to know that I have not come in terms with my past…

I ask myself to move on, forget the past, but the past had its own laughs and tears, I share the tears may be to understand the loss, but if I flip the coin and share the laughs it raises more envy…how can I make u envious…

I know I have become the stream that will carry the leaf singing along, but in my journey to meet the ocean I have to become violent to be calm again…

I know not what fate has in store for me, I know not what magic these words do, all I know is I am speaking the language as I know when I look in the mirror I hear the language, I see the freshness, I see the glare…

I know my eyes still have it…

Dream or Nightmare?

Often dreams are good, they paint our canvas with colors are spread in our heart or soul but somehow don’t see the daylight. Dreams narrate our stories and might bring smile on the face, even in tight sleep. They give us the world where everything is possible.
That does not happen always, as every coin has two sides.
I am narrating the dream that sends shivers to my spine, this is the only dream that wakes me in the middle of the night, this is the dream that scares me to go back to sleep again…this is the only “Nightmare” I am yet to overcome…
It is a dream that begins like any other dream would; it remains comforting till I am in never-land which is deep within into the fairyland.
Here it how it goes, I am wondering in the wild, enjoying the scenic view, registering the mesmerizing yet untouched beauty, which has so much to offer yet so less to take. Suddenly I sight a cave that calls me to wonder inside and feel the ravishing beauty preserved under the cover. Without any hesitation, I enter to explore.
Around the doors it looks like the cave has been traveled, yet looks so tempting to explore. After coring the doors I am amidst massive space that offers the echo to my voice, which gives an comforting feeling to my ears. At a few pace there is a small pond which holds the water silent. It gives the reflection of the gigantic space around it. I feel so enticed that it feels like cloud nine.
The call does not stop yet, to be precise the voyage did not begin yet.
I am thrilled to explore the cave more so I wonder to the place that seemed unraveled and gave a spooky look, I step up to be the first one to have conquered the darkness, thought I do not see where this path was leading to yet I continue my voyage. I walk fearless of what was yet to come, I did not look back for a long time, well even if I looked, it was not going to help as I could not see anything in the dark…
Suddenly I feel hard to inhale, may be it’s the nitrogen, as this path is never been walked on. But some how a sense of walls closing in was growing, may be it is humane, or the darkness is giving this kind of nausea. I heard foot step ever since I walked. May be it is the echo I met at the door steps crawls here too? Then I have nothing to fear, if there is echo I this means the walls are not closing in…there is space.
I am having a smile in my sleep now, as I have the feeling of been praised after everyone knew I have conquered the forgotten part of this cave. It felt like discovering the timeless ruins from a place visited by all, but the special one, that is me, had the vision to bring what was kept hidden.
Suddenly, I am sweating, the smile turns to a bit of uncomfortable roll.
The walls were really closing, I have my hands spread but they are not wide spread as I have to walk this tight place. It does bother me, yet it looks worth taking this uncomfortable walk. Soon this walk is no more normal, I am forced to crawl, and I feel suffocated.
I have to get out! I cannot do it…. The wall they are rushing towards me!
I try to turn back, “Go on, I am behind you.” I am zapped to find someone behind me. I cannot see him, the voice is masculine, “I have been following you, you cannot give up now, besides, I see the small hole, there is this ray of light, we have an exit, go on.”
The voice felt encouraging, with mixed emotions, I carry on, but this suffocation!
I begin to crawl faster. I lose more energy and get less air, and now I feel the space behind me race towards me, it’s a trap, there no way out, I could yell and tell the voice to push back, but I feel helpless. My conscious tells me that the voice following me is smiling and it an evil laugh…
I could not concentrate on this I need to get out, walls around me are crushing me from everywhere, left, right, top, bottom, Oh God! What to do?
I lay still for a second and when I raise my head I see an opening, there is my escape, there is my way out, I have to make it, I have to out run this suffocation. I am going to do it. I began to move like a torpedo. Still the space did not allow me to crawl my way out. This exit is so close, I can reach it, I being to fade, the evil laugh haunts me, my lungs are giving away, the hole is not an exit, it is just a small opening, I see the world from this peak, I can cry out loud, yet somehow I have no strength left to speak, I stretch my hand towards the hole, I see someone, “please help me!”, I say these words within my soul, for I know there is no one to hear it. I lay still, no tears, no grudge, no sense, no air, just a fading sensation.
I speak, “you yet have chance friend, go back, find your way, you can still survive.” The voice dies out, the laugh disappears, I am fooling myself, there was no one, even if there was, and he left way back. He must have asked me to retrieve, but I carried on…what a fool!
I look helplessly at the hole, no expectation, just waiting for something, I cannot describe what, I have no words, guess this is what they call being brain dead.
Suddenly, a gush of wind, I see a leaf fly, felt like hope, but wait…
Noooo! The leaf, fell right on top of the hole, there is darkness again, sweat, suffocation, silence…
Just silence!

With a sudden jolt I wake up, gasping for air, sweating, yet see the darkness, its night, I need air, I breathe like this air is not going to last, where was I? Where am I? What happened? I am horrified! I stare in the dark, afraid to move a muscle, no sound but of my own diaphragm, expanding and contracting…
I sit tight with my legs wrapped in my arms! God I am sweating now…this has given me shivers in day light too.

Is the nightmare over? I have no answer! But I cannot go back to sleep now, I am too scared to fall, may be the fear of death, I cannot define anything.
It’s an open question for me till date.

For learned few, this can be the self created fear in my life, or may be some unfinished business, or even the vicious circle that ignores me and cocoons me in my world for better.. Or maybe something else. Whatever the interpretation this dream might mean, it still remains a nightmare to me, I leave it open for you to decide, is it really a dream or my worst nightmare…

Once you love someone they stay in your heart forever and ever

They say, “Once you love someone they stay in your heart forever and ever…”

At first this was just a statement out of some book. But no one has escaped the golden arrow, it hits you when you think you are untouched by the feeling; love. This is when cupid takes aim and hits you right at the heart. There is no bloodshed, but what this arrow brings with it are emotions, love, lust happiness and sadness. It brings smile, tears and pain.

I remember the eyes, the tinkle in them I still see the words they spoke, her lips murmured, “I love you.” There was no voice, yet it was the verse that filled rainbow in my sky.

I never fell in love, I rose in love, I dreamt of watching those eyes each morning, serene like the dew on the green leaf, I wanted to share the tears of laughter, just to say, I will always be there for you. I wanted to say, just look around, I will always be there for you.

Her eyes made me paint my heart red, each day the sleep was like hibernating for the best moments, waiting endlessly to see her each day was like filling the heart with fresh air, her smell her hair, her walk, her talk they all were so perfect, they were to me, after all she was the world for me, as I was for her.

I made a promise I will smile for her see the new world through her eyes…I wanted to listen to her endlessly, I had so much more to learn, learning in love was for real. Each day was a new lesson. With her around me, I was strong, I felt like home. I realized I have got the dream I wanted, and will never let it go.

I wanted to wakeup each day, with her by my side, I wanted my arm to be her pillow. In the night when I could take her in my arm, run my fingers through her hairs, curl them, whisper in the middle of the night, “I love you” then lay a sweet gentle kiss on her eyes, embrace her in my warmth and watch her fall asleep like a baby.

I have seen her there for me. We will make a new world, make a new life, always to say to each other whenever you need, it will be me.

I only saw the golden arrow, piercing my heart, that was not all, it also had the tinge of venom, jealousy and the horror of losing her…I would wake up in the middle of the night, all sweating with the dream which I never wanted to come true, but it was a sign for me, as it did come true…

My tears did not melt the heart which my smile won over, my true words did not reach her, we were apart…I spend sleepless nights, I still cry, I have this shackle in my heart that make me hate her for leaving me, but then I cannot hate her, I miss her essence, her smile, her eyes, and mostly when I close my eyes I still see her standing and whispering, “I love you.” Oh the pain, it does not let me breathe, it make my heart shrink…

I don’t know what more to do, I try to overpower the anguish, but the night leaves me alone, and I am back at square one…someone somewhere …if they know please call out to the wind, and tell her, I want to hold her again, I want the love, that is now never to share.

I still want to be remembered, not for what I have become, but as the smile that spreads on the lovers lips when the first kiss send shivers to the spine, I want to be the first light that paints the sky with astonishing colors, I want to be remembered like the first touch of the newborn, I want to be the speech that flows out of the mother, when she holds her baby, I want to be remembered like the smell spread by the bud when it blooms to a flower, I want to be remembered like the first flatter of the wings that the butterfly makes…

I want to be remembered….after all they say, “When you love someone, they remain in the heart forever and ever.”

Loneliness – is it destined or chosen?

Loneliness is it the fate or the choice that we impound on ourselves without knowing that the future it would present to us? Times when we are in love and feel nothing but being on cloud nine, we see the whole new world, that’s just meant for the lovers and it seems like a paradise. Like all tests love has to face the wind of harsh realities that are materialistic yet known as bread to the world.

I can say I was in love and was tested…or better … we were in love…but we made choices… sure we did…

Now when I look back I have two eyes looking in the directions which are totally unknown to each other. One tells each one of us the choice made by each individual was right for them and wrong for other… We did not deserve each other….the other eye…my eye…looks at the same table…same place same day…yet tries to figure out why. Why could I not stop it…I did admit I was wrong…I wanted to start over…yet I felt I was losing the grip…I was … I did…

Each wrong decision made me learn…I paid the price…

I was strong to face the situation and make the best out of my emotions…but there was still the chemical left…that swiftly waits to release the right amount to bring the emotions running out of my eyes…

I look back … I think and I hate my guts as they do not let me wipe the emotion that made me loose…may be the worst loss of my life…I do not complain…I won to…but the winning never felt complete…

I felt alone to share the joy…it felt…just the same as any other day would…each time I reached a place we wanted…there was me…just me…people would feel happy as would I do…but the emptiness would remind the loss…

May be they are true about the true love … your first love never dies …but you die once…

I will still carry on…achieve what we dreamt…but I know I would be there …looking around…alone… all alone…

I still question my guts…was the loneliness destined…or was it chosen…

No matter what the answer be…the emptiness would remain…the smile will reflect the pain…

I will be the Tree

As a growing plant I always looked up to the lush tree by my side, it bestowed shadow, stood by me. It was filled with colors, the flowers and fruits painted the sky for me. I too wanted to grow up to be a strong tree…he smiled back too me.
Later seasons changed and I saw the tree shedding flowers and leaves helplessly and turned to mere skeleton, so weak… I was horrified …. I asked him, why? Again he smiled back at me and told me, whatever he says will not be understood by me, but sure in time it will be. I was upset and thought of the pain, felt angry for this state, yet confused to see him smile. Still he made me smile as he always did, telling me, “You will learn it all when you grow up like me.”

Years passed and I grew up to be a strong tree happy to be there …. I was shelter to many and played a key role to feed many…. My shadow was helping many creations of God…I felt nice about my existence… but when the seasons changed, I too suffered my worst sorrows, I shed my colors, neither the fruits nor the flowers remained. I felt all alone and no one came to me…I felt the end was near…. All the time I stood there I could do nothing but just think and think….

I could always relate myself to so many creations…. When I was lush and green my branches were shelter to the flock of birds that played on my arms and sang there heart out….I felt they are singing for me… I felt I was in love with them… I waited for them to return and I nourished their infants with all the care I could… I was sure I was in love … but I found out soon my believes were wrong… as neither the birds nor the infants stayed with me, when I needed them the most …..

I was also in love with those who cherished my shadow and thanked me for being there. I loved to see new love cherish by my comforts, loves praising the beauty and silence… I waited for them too… so they would sit next to me and praise me … I fed them with delicacy of my fruits and gave them tender smell, the flowers I wore spread the smell for them to return to me ….but once the flowers and fruits were ripped of my skin. They ignored me… When I shed the leaves they never returned…. I was so lost and confused…..I could not find answers….
I almost forgot and the best I could recollect was the tree I looked up to, he was still there, it was old now, yet I felt him there for me, I turned to the old tree…to my surprise, his answer remained the same, “with time I will learn all what I see”

I recognized the same smile that was there ages ago… the only difference this time was he questioned me for the first time. He asked me, “Kid, are you worried, or are you confused?” I was amazed by the question, as he knew what I was going through…I replied “both sir, but how do u know?” He smiled again and said, “I am old but remember I was also young one day.” I asked him for the answers I was looking for but the reply was the same…”time will teach you”

I was stood alone again…with no leaves, no flowers and no fruits… I caste the shadow but that was of my own skeleton…which was of no help to none …well the time went on, seasons changed once again to return what was lost… leaves, flowers and fruits….to my utter surprise all whom I missed or thought I loved returned …. I was more puzzled…..

After being gifted what was taken away, one night I stood alone in my thoughts I heard a voice “Son are you still confused and feel the haze?” I turned around but there was no one….I asked politely “who is this? Is it you sir?”
“I am God! Son don’t feel horrified”… I was zapped….I had mixed feelings, I had so much to ask, I had so much to tell. Now when I feel his presence and he is here talking to me I am in loss of words…..yet I gathered my courage and of course myself to ask God what was playing on my mind.
“Why is it that when I provide what others desire from me with all what I have, they are around me…and when I am deprived of what they like, they either rip me or just leave me alone and go away?”

God replied, “Son, were you really alone that time? I found needy people coming towards you and picking what you dropped….”,
For a second I thought and realized that people did pick up the old shed parts of me….God continued “you know they picked up these twigs and cut your branches because they knew your twigs can help them cook or make beautiful nests and the strong branches can help them craft, build boats, shelter and many uncountable objects…so do you think they left you? Did they not think about you?”

I felt comforted and proud; I asked God “I wanted them around me…as they were earlier”
God replied “Correct they were not there with you but that did not mean they forgot you… because if you realize they were there still the same for you when you were weak, and see now, they returned to you to be with you.”
In a way God was correct….. I mean he has to be… but then why was I feeling this haze…God continued “Son I have made you to serve others and I know you will live and die for it… but I know your emotions are bothering you…. So they should as I have crafted them….but your emotions are not a treasure if you want to captivate them ….. It is indeed a treasure to cherish, when you have the ability to let it go and allow it to meet its destiny….and for you the destiny is to let the love of your life fly or walk away….but I can assure you that without your presence in their individual they can not survive, as you cannot without them.”

I felt sad….and God sensed it….he said “I know you are sad to hear it but I am there with you and for you….even when you feel alone….after all, my special creations rests in my arms after they complete there span….”.
Those were the words that brought a smile and boosted me to stand tall….

God said “I am around when you need me…. never feel alone…. True love is to love some one so much that even if the person is not around you must not feel lost. Love will make you different and special it will fill your heart with the wisdom …and remember I let every one love but true love is attained by only chosen few who know to love without the fear of loosing….”

Then there was long silence and the voice was gone! I stood all alone amazed and I sensed the haze inside me evaporate…. I saw the dawn which presented a color which I saw daily, but this time it seems so different to me… the breeze reminded me of the presence of the holy being…. I was sure that I am the chosen one and even if I am not I will spread my love to be the one. I held no grudges…..In delight I turned around…the same old tree smiled at me and said “Kid you have all the answers and have learned and earned the lesson that you wanted to.”

I was relieved …. I could feel the same smile on my face…and I know this will remain on with me forever…as now I have the motive to love unconditionally…