Concept of myself - I in me (Conversing with myself)

When glory mocked me, I did not know where to go or what to do, all I could do was to cocoon myself.

I was a total stranger to dark. Having never stepped in, all I knew, this void was meant to break any one who steps in.

And so true it was !

I cried, moaned, screamed, crumbled, but all I got was emptiness.

No response, why isn’t anyone listening ? Why isn’t anyone responding ? Why isn’t anyone there ?

I don’t know how long I laid with all these emotions. After a while, which seemed like ages, my sobbing stopped, tears dried, voice humbled and the stiffness gone.

I stared in the void, all I saw was darkness, I sensed floating in air.

It was in that moment, I could truly hear my heartbeat and nothing else.

That sound gave me the sense of something that belonged to me. The longer I listened to it, the soother it became.

“Welcome!”, suddenly I was alarmed ! Before I could utter, the voice spoke again, “Don’t be afraid”. “Are you comfortable now?”

The voice was so calm and welcoming.

“I have been waiting for you to get comfortable”.

With utter surprise, I look around in the dark and ask, “Who are you ?”, “Where are you?”

“I am here. I have always been here.”

With my heart racing, I could not stop myself from repeating, “Who are you?”

“I am you, don’t you recognize me?”

I rubbed my eyes, closed them and opened them again, only to realize the darkness did not fade away.

“Did you see anything different?” “Close your eyes again.”

For no reason, I obeyed; the darkness stayed no matter how many times I blinked.

My curiosity kicked in, “if you were here all this while, why didn’t you speak, especially when I needed someone?”

“You never let me!” the voice replied instantly. “I had to wait till you lose the weight that was pulling you down.”

“Unknowingly you have suppressed my voice.” “Others took precedence and I had to wait in the long queue”

“Every time you were anxious, worried, happy, sad, I was there to let you know, I am with you, but you ignored me”

“Close your eyes one more time and try to find me”

This time I was eager. “Without a doubt, I closed my eyes. I could see my life flash by. Amidst all the laughter, pain, glory, tear, I could sense a moment of silence, but it never lasted long”

“That moment is when I wanted to connect with you”, said the voice. “You listened to others, believed them, altered yourself, unwillingly only to feel uncomfortable.”

“Now, all the weight imploded and you found other being either judgmental or distant”.

“Do you recognize your true self ?”.

This simple question struck me hard!

“Who am I ?” Can I answer that easily ?

For a second the thought cross my mind that I am dead. But that was far from reality.

I wanted to listen more, I felt comfortable even in the darkness

“I know you questioned this darkness, yet you now feel connected.”

“Do you know why?”

I tried hard to think but could not come up with any concrete answer. For a while there was silence.

“If you have given up trying, I can clear the air”, the voice said politely.

“I was born with you. Over the course of years, you mingled and socialized only to make yourself more vulnerable.”

“I was right by your side, maturing along with you, but not losing the track of who I am. I tried to talk you out of your roller-coaster ride.”

“Your interaction prototyped you to believe, boys don’t cry!”

“You never believed it, but obeyed it.” “Deep down you questioned, and I always told you to let it go, vent it out. It’s OK. No one but you can judge yourself.”

As the “ME” listened to “I”, there was so much clarity and the heavy heart felt getting more oxygen.

“I” began to speak again.

“There is nothing wrong with you !” “You are who you are, and you should change for no one”

“During this time, when you feel the world has given up on you, are you telling yourself that YOU have given up on YOURSELF ?”

For the first time “I” took over myself.

“Go show the world what you are made of !”

“Remember these words”

Even if you were blind – I could make you see
if you were down – I could comfort me
well you ain't got a lot - but what I got is true
there's nothing that you can't do - if I had you
You could walk on water - I could dance on air
go any place - go anywhere
could climb the empire state - and the rockies too
there's nothing that you can't do -if I had you

if I had you - for what else could pray?
if I had you - you could make your way
the sun is up - the sky is blue
there's nothing that you can't do - if I had you

if I had you, - for what else could you plead?
if I had you - you'd have all you need
the sun is up - the sky is blue
there's nothing that you can't do -if I had you

With those words, the voice faded and I felt a rush of adrenaline.

When I opened my eyes, the world seemed bright, full of possibilities.

I took a moment to see what all I have been missing !

Even though, I am minuscule to this world, but this is what I say, “Believe in yourself and let your heart out, for your “I” knows no bound !”

“Aim for the sky, you will surely make some ground. For the least, that will give you the strength to stand on your feet and try until you touch the sky.”