Concept of myself - I in me (Conversing with myself)

When glory mocked me, I did not know where to go or what to do, all I could do was to cocoon myself.

I was a total stranger to dark. Having never stepped in, all I knew, this void was meant to break any one who steps in.

And so true it was !

I cried, moaned, screamed, crumbled, but all I got was emptiness.

No response, why isn’t anyone listening ? Why isn’t anyone responding ? Why isn’t anyone there ?

I don’t know how long I laid with all these emotions. After a while, which seemed like ages, my sobbing stopped, tears dried, voice humbled and the stiffness gone.

I stared in the void, all I saw was darkness, I sensed floating in air.

It was in that moment, I could truly hear my heartbeat and nothing else.

That sound gave me the sense of something that belonged to me. The longer I listened to it, the soother it became.

“Welcome!”, suddenly I was alarmed ! Before I could utter, the voice spoke again, “Don’t be afraid”. “Are you comfortable now?”

The voice was so calm and welcoming.

“I have been waiting for you to get comfortable”.

With utter surprise, I look around in the dark and ask, “Who are you ?”, “Where are you?”

“I am here. I have always been here.”

With my heart racing, I could not stop myself from repeating, “Who are you?”

“I am you, don’t you recognize me?”

I rubbed my eyes, closed them and opened them again, only to realize the darkness did not fade away.

“Did you see anything different?” “Close your eyes again.”

For no reason, I obeyed; the darkness stayed no matter how many times I blinked.

My curiosity kicked in, “if you were here all this while, why didn’t you speak, especially when I needed someone?”

“You never let me!” the voice replied instantly. “I had to wait till you lose the weight that was pulling you down.”

“Unknowingly you have suppressed my voice.” “Others took precedence and I had to wait in the long queue”

“Every time you were anxious, worried, happy, sad, I was there to let you know, I am with you, but you ignored me”

“Close your eyes one more time and try to find me”

This time I was eager. “Without a doubt, I closed my eyes. I could see my life flash by. Amidst all the laughter, pain, glory, tear, I could sense a moment of silence, but it never lasted long”

“That moment is when I wanted to connect with you”, said the voice. “You listened to others, believed them, altered yourself, unwillingly only to feel uncomfortable.”

“Now, all the weight imploded and you found other being either judgmental or distant”.

“Do you recognize your true self ?”.

This simple question struck me hard!

“Who am I ?” Can I answer that easily ?

For a second the thought cross my mind that I am dead. But that was far from reality.

I wanted to listen more, I felt comfortable even in the darkness

“I know you questioned this darkness, yet you now feel connected.”

“Do you know why?”

I tried hard to think but could not come up with any concrete answer. For a while there was silence.

“If you have given up trying, I can clear the air”, the voice said politely.

“I was born with you. Over the course of years, you mingled and socialized only to make yourself more vulnerable.”

“I was right by your side, maturing along with you, but not losing the track of who I am. I tried to talk you out of your roller-coaster ride.”

“Your interaction prototyped you to believe, boys don’t cry!”

“You never believed it, but obeyed it.” “Deep down you questioned, and I always told you to let it go, vent it out. It’s OK. No one but you can judge yourself.”

As the “ME” listened to “I”, there was so much clarity and the heavy heart felt getting more oxygen.

“I” began to speak again.

“There is nothing wrong with you !” “You are who you are, and you should change for no one”

“During this time, when you feel the world has given up on you, are you telling yourself that YOU have given up on YOURSELF ?”

For the first time “I” took over myself.

“Go show the world what you are made of !”

“Remember these words”

Even if you were blind – I could make you see
if you were down – I could comfort me
well you ain't got a lot - but what I got is true
there's nothing that you can't do - if I had you
You could walk on water - I could dance on air
go any place - go anywhere
could climb the empire state - and the rockies too
there's nothing that you can't do -if I had you

if I had you - for what else could pray?
if I had you - you could make your way
the sun is up - the sky is blue
there's nothing that you can't do - if I had you

if I had you, - for what else could you plead?
if I had you - you'd have all you need
the sun is up - the sky is blue
there's nothing that you can't do -if I had you

With those words, the voice faded and I felt a rush of adrenaline.

When I opened my eyes, the world seemed bright, full of possibilities.

I took a moment to see what all I have been missing !

Even though, I am minuscule to this world, but this is what I say, “Believe in yourself and let your heart out, for your “I” knows no bound !”

“Aim for the sky, you will surely make some ground. For the least, that will give you the strength to stand on your feet and try until you touch the sky.”

Don't let yourself go

One of the popular and most inspiring song close to my heart goes like this,

“When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.”

First time I heard these words, it was nothing more than a soft lyrical song. But the day came when I realized the true meaning of each word knit together to console and inspire the broken heart.
There has been a phase in my life when my world was falling apart, everything I did made no sense, and no one seemed around. Loneliness filled most of me, gradually everything lost meaning and truly both day and night seemed never to end. There were many to be blamed for my state, I had enough of it all. I just let it go, floating like a lifeless leaf on water, with no destination, no fate and above all no hope.

There would be some who would agree with me, feel linked, may feel pity, but there will be few who would tell me, all I did was a consequence of my own act. I respect both the class, but all I know is, I walked the road and for those who feel linked, may you find some hope, for other its’ just a tale.
There comes a time in life when love, friendship, success, happiness and above all self esteem betrays us, nothing motivate us in life. We stare in the dark, waiting for a ray of hope, closed eyes in sunlight trying to avoid any glare. We try to find ways to escape and find ourselves at the same place each day. I have been no exception.

We loose the direction in life, divert from the path of success and all that matters most to our success, and feel that the end of it all. Friends; that is not the end, that me be a big blow, but life ends when we loose our self faith.
None of this made sense to me then, but now it all so clear. What I retained in those days of agony was the trust of being me. I let life take control and for some time I let things go around making no sense. Soon came the time, when the loneliness and grief started to pinch me hard. The sense of being choked made me think the unthinkable, staring in those nights all alone, made me wonder what I was doing and who I was waiting for my rescue.

I tried to console my wounds with words that would make me cry, reliving the agonizing pain in my heart. What this song did was totally reverse, it was just a plain and simple concept which we all over look. After-all, please remember, wonders always come in small and simple packages.

What this song made me realize was, so what if I am hurt, everyone is hurt once a while and everybody cries. But once you cry you have to hold onto someone who can see you through the pain. Ask yourself, Who best can do that? The answer for me was, none but myself, who understood me the best, like no one can.
I asked myself, had my love or friends understood me, why would they leave me.

Like the protein dissolving in the immune system, exploding the burst of energy, suddenly it all started to make sense. Its important to get hurt, it’s important to cry, it’s important to loose. Why is it so? Unless you are hurt, you don’t realize the level of endurance and unless you cry, you don’t realize the worth of laughter, unless you loose, you don’t realize the joy of winning.

Like two faces of a coin, like sunlight to every night, life lets us all live both aspects, journey through the course, understand the importance of each emotion.
Its human tendency to be annoyed by the same course being followed each day, life is all about change, with change come experience and change make us susceptible.

Above all, the wise said, “Change is good”
So I urge you all when the time is not right,

“When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on,

Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.”